There you go again, walking by me as if I don’t exist. Some may call that a “bad sign”, but I find it endearing. After all, how can you know something is there when you can’t see it for yourself? For all you know, there isn’t someone watching you around every corner. There isn’t someone who knows your daily routine just as well, if not better, than you. Your ignorance is so cute and precious, just like the rest of you.
Don’t make false assumptions. I’m not a stalker nor am I someone who is irrationally obsessed with another person. No, this is merely my hobby. Some play sports and others may be actors but I am an observer. Once I find someone who interests me, I make them my personal project. What kind of project would that be, you may ask? It’s a project that only the most dedicated of people can undertake. Once I find my target, I watch them from a distance and take notes on everything they do. You, my darling, are my most recent project.
I know you like the back of my own hand and I haven’t even spoken a word to you. I know you set an alarm for 7:30 but you don’t wake up until 7:59 exactly. You hit the snooze button at 7:30 and act proud of yourself when you wake up a minute early before your second alarm goes off. You then take a shower right away and comb your hair back as soon as you walk out of that bathtub. To fix your hair, you flick your head up, down, right and end by swinging to the left, where your hair then stays. After getting dressed, it’s 8:13.
You place two slices of whole wheat bread into the toaster and turn the setting to 6, since you hate burnt toast but you still want it warm and crispy. You use that time to get some school supplies ready, placing your binder into your backpack and put it just outside the kitchen so you don’t forget it. Just before you can make your lunch, the toast pops out and you put them on the cutting board to lather the faces with smooth peanut butter. You eat and make lunch at the same time and your lunch is always predictable. Since your parents leave the house early every day to get to work, you have to make it yourself and it’s always the same thing. Your lunch contains a green apple, four chocolate chip cookies, 18 crackers and a sandwich made with whatever meat your mother bought that week. By the time you brush your teeth, the time is 8:37. You run out of your house, lock the front door and get picked up by the school bus at 8:41.
As you can tell by now, I notice everything. I make sure that I have every little detail about each and every daily task you do is correct, no matter how insignificant to you it may seem. For example, when you go to the coffee shop after school with your friends and you drink your non-fat cappuccino with extra whipped cream and chocolate sauce, you always get a foam moustache and you lick it off your face from the right side to your left. You also order it in a soft voice to make sure your buddies don’t hear your “non-fat” order, as they would tease you for that. I would never do such a thing. In fact, I applaud the fact that a teenage boy such as you would order something that’s relatively diet conscience.
To the average person, this all may sound absurd. They may look at me like I’m a crazed maniac with an unhealthy obsession with a boy. That isn’t the case at all. Like I’ve said, I’m an observer, not a stalker. I may notice the smallest of details but that just means that I’m very careful when it comes to analyzing the world around me. However, as I continue to watch this gentleman, the more I feel…attracted to him. What am I saying? That’s ridiculous, me falling for a project of mine. I don’t care about his perfect hair or his gorgeous smile or the way he walks like he doesn’t have a care in the world. It’s almost sickening, really. Yet at the same time, it’s hypnotising.
Perhaps I’ve been…too harsh on you. Maybe I should look at you like a human being, rather than this week’s project. I’ve always been someone to reject other people so this could be my chance to turn things around. I could finally have a real life, as many people of this generation say it is something I should get. My mother will be glad to hear that her eighteen year old daughter is finally “coming out of her shell” and “being social”.
I’ll doll myself up a little, make myself look more appealing for you. Perhaps that will grab your attention. While I observed you, I saw the kinds of girls you talk to: the ditzy, short-skirt wearing popular girls that giggle whenever you pass them. While I’ll never stoop to their level to talk to you, I can at least try to emulate that behavior. After all, what harm could it do? It’s worth a try, after all. It’s worth it, as long as I get to talk to you, my dear.
However, whenever I try to get your attention, I lose my voice. I get nervous for some reason I can’t explain. My hands sweat, my face flushes a bright red and my voice is reduced to an inaudible whisper. You pass me by without any kind of acknowledgement, leaving me to stand there looking like a fool. This has never happened to me before. Maybe I’m not cut out for this kind of stuff. I may know you brush your teeth for a minute and thirty six seconds exactly but what good will that do me in terms of having a conversation with you? What’s going on with me?
I can try all I want but the exact same result comes up every time: I try to say “Hello!” to you when you walk by me yet all I can do is stand there in a pathetic silence. As you can already tell, I’m not a regular girl and perhaps that’s my downfall. I may have been an observer for years but now I want to try and have direct interaction with a project for once. Be proud of yourself, darling, for you are the reason for my change.
I’ll do whatever it takes for me to know you, for me to know what you think of in that cute little head of yours. My growing attraction for you isn’t doing me any favours but I will succeed even with these…complicated emotions standing in my way. Someday you’ll acknowledge my existence. Someday you’ll know I’m alive. Someday, Senpai, you will notice me.
Written by: Ssshakenbakee