I've never felt emotions as strong as these. Disappointment, anger and fear all amplified by an infinite amount, making them unbearable. I lay in my cold bed as I reflect on the events of today. I shake my head, trying to forget them. Yet no matter how hard I try, they won't leave me alone. My self-worth and self-esteem shatter as the pieces of my fragile happiness fall to the floor in front of me. In this state, joy doesn't exist; only the pain and sorrow that I've ran away from for so long are present. They consume me, filling me up with regrets and thoughts that I once believed to be unthinkable. Little voices in my head tell me one thing while my heart says another. The voices speak words of self-hatred while my heart tries its best to comfort me, telling me that everything will be okay. The noise is deafening, even though it's only silence to the rest of the world. I wish I could mute the voices, but as soon as I quiet them down, they just get louder.
My anger flows through me like a river as I slam my fists against the mattress of my bed as hard as I can, throwing my pillow across the room and cursing those close to me under my breath. If there is a god, he must be mocking me; giving me a false sense of happiness only for it to be taken away from me just as fast. If there is a god, I'd spit in his face for the suffering he's making me go through, along with the other pain-causers. Sorrow swiftly takes over my mind as I lay back onto my bare bed. I try to cry, but no tears will fall. I can feel them form, but they won't leave my face. No matter how hard I try to squeeze them out, they won't go away; they stay where they are, teasing me. I begin to wonder how life would be if I didn't exist; would it be easier for those who knew me? Would they notice I left? Would they care if I left? That's when thoughts of a dark decision slowly roll in. While I go through those scenarios in my head, the shadow of the unthinkable looms in closer until it catches me in its wake. I then begin to wonder how life would be...if I took my own life.
It'd end my pain quickly and painlessly, so it can't be too bad. Not only that, but if I did, no one's life would be impacted. I may have had some 'friends' at school, but I know how they are; they're never really my friends. They just use my selfless nature to fulfill their goals while simultaneously stomping my face into the ground. Once their goals are reached, they throw me away like a used rag doll. I'm not a person to them but merely a tool for them to use to achieve their goals in life. My family might mourn my loss for a couple days, but they'll move on quickly. I cause them more trouble than good, so it's more of a gain than anything. The house may be a little quieter without the sound of poor guitar playing and obnoxiously loud laughter but those sounds will fade from their memory, along with their memories of me. I'm an obstacle in people's lives, not a spring board to help them fulfill their destiny. I praise myself up to be a good person, someone willing to help others but in reality, the people I supposedly help couldn't give less of a thought about me. Reflecting on my life only makes things even more embarrassing for me. I open my iPad and select the 'Camera' feature. I use the inner camera and take a good look at myself. After a good 5 minutes of staring, I finally see the person the rest of the world sees; a socially awkward, acne-ridden, glasses-wearing, video game loving, pathetic nerd who will go nowhere in his life. I close the iPad and begin to frown more. However, I let out a slight laugh, as I finally see the truth. It's about time I've seen the person I really am. I check the clock; it's ten past midnight. Everyone else is asleep, it's the perfect time.
Realizing what I must do, I get up and walk towards the kitchen. I turn on the light and take out the sharpest knife in the drawer. I look at it and admire it. This knife will end my life and get rid of an irrelevant waste of human life from the planet. I turn the blade around so the tip is facing my chest. I extend my arms so the blade is 3 feet away from my body. I decide that I will count to three and then stab myself.
At three, I drop to my knees and begin to weep softly to myself. The knife hits the ground with a small thud and I lie in the middle of my kitchen as helpless as a newborn baby. What am I doing? I may feel irrelevant but there's got to be someone out there that loves me, someone who cares for me. That's when I see her face; her light green eyes and bright smile begin to flash in my head. Her sweet laugh blocks out the voices in my head and makes my heart skip a beat. Remembering her embrace begins to protect me from the dark thoughts and keeps me warm. Her soft voice begins to speak reason into my ear. I've been overreacting, she tells me. I need to take a step back and realize that not everything is as it seems, she says to me. I wipe away my tears as I think about those in my life; her, my family, my friends. I was wrong to think the thoughts that I have. I was wrong to do the things that I've done. I was wrong to treat those wanting the best for me the way I have. I put the knife away as I walk back to my room, still wiping tears from my face. I grab my pillow and slide under the covers. My head begins to clear as I drift to a peaceful sleep. However, this rest will be only temporary, as I will awaken into a new day of hope and promise. A new day filled with opportunities to correct my mistakes and live the life I want to.
Written by Sshakenbakee