Foundling Thoughts Edit
No matter what I do or what I am about to do, I fear these words. Doc’ I fear these words today.
‘Tell me, where did it all go one-sided for you?’
I look up at the four tiled ceiling staring down at me. The old fan on repeat, round and round it goes. The same old dust, the same old bookshelves sitting in the room. This chair becoming a little uncomfortable, my head racing round a race track. The same old, the same old, it just continues to go round and round. When does it end?
‘It all began when I had to leave him behind, I had to get away from him.’
His brows upper, his eyes roll as if I’m stupid to know what I just said to him.
‘Okay, good, we’re getting somewhere. Take a deep breath, close your eyes and tell me, imagine you are back there. Left behind, stuck with him. I need to know what it feels like, what it sounds like and what can you see there?’
The ceiling becoming vaguely in my sight, the walls devoured in darkness. I see the workplace, the elevator that goes up; three floors I believe. The broken one. There was an older model, we used to take that one to reach top floor. Now, it’s just the stairs. Heck, I don’t even use the stairs.
‘Stairs, I see stairs and walls.’ I bite my bottom lip in a temptation to avoid memory leakage.
‘Okay, good. Think back a little further, I don’t believe that stairs were the only choice for you. Am I right?’
I nodded, trying to understand how he knew such information. I hadn’t told him anything about the stairs, it was all in here.
‘Moving on, relax, relax now, calm down. Quiet, feel it? It’s peace and quiet.’ He speaks in such a soothing tone. ‘Where did it all go wrong from there?’
‘Here, it was here.’ I speak out feeling the need to clear what’s left on my chest.
I closed my eyes again, this time managing to think of something to see. Ah, my imagination fails to keep me here. I can see illusions, like many patterns all forming together around me. The elevator, the broken one is gone. There’s an older one, the older model? – It seems possible. There he is, the tall man, the man with the know-it-all attitude. There he is, his eyes widening, his face looking quite dense. Swelling? I can see swelling, his face looks so damaged and hurt.
‘I see walls, doors, a tall man and the man is hurt.’ I whisper under my deep breath that remained unheard.
‘Okay, now, don’t open your eyes until you feel the need to. Is the man taller than you? Would you please describe him? This man clearly means something to you. Carry on, I’ll stop interrupting when we find you.’
Remained closed, my eyes I mean. I can see the man waiting on the elevator, standing tall inside pushing buttons with steady cautious movement. He keeps looking back, behind him. Another two men getting on with him, a woman dressed as in her business clothes. She looks familiar, odd but familiar nonetheless.
‘If you can see the man, follow him. Only if you can visualize what this man means to you. Just stay calm, relax, quieten down and think back to when you first met him.’
I agreed, nodding as my eyes feel sucked in by such memories. No need to sleep yet I feel the need to open my eyes. Can’t, I can’t open them, something is telling me that he is near, not far away at all. He’s close, closer to me than the one I thought would be behind it. Sammy’ that man has jokes, he has a foolish attitude but I love him for it.
‘I can see him, his eye lids look quite puffy. Um…his nose…I can see it, it’s still bleeding…’
‘okay, now try for me. Keep your eyes closed, hush, hush, the sound is dead. You can relax, feel safe again.’
‘Doc’ I feel better, he is not here anymore…’
Swept off my feet, there he is again. The tall man had carried me, I have no idea where. The rooms look vague and lack of detail around them. Anything memorable is pretty much blurred, I can’t see anything around me. Except the movement of him, he is moving me across a hallway of some sort.
‘He has me, holding me, HIS BACK, I don’t want to deal with him. Don’t make me deal with him please!’
‘Deep breaths, come on, deeper breaths. Calm yourself down, quiet, nobody is here just you and I.’
The same words I could hear: “You and I” I can’t seem to hear them as clearly but they are the exact words. His large arms carrying me away. His tallness is just so frustrating for me! I feel the need to be sick, it’s too much to handle.
‘Okay, we’ve got you a glass of water. You can go now, not you. Keep your eyes closed, take a sip and continue.’
‘The elevators, they’re not there anymore. The rooms, they are gone too. He is there, I see him standing there.’
‘What’s he doing for you? Is he hurting you?’ He questioned me with a question I hadn't expected to hear.
‘Yes…strong and muscular, he has me in his arms. I-I don’t love him though. Not anymore.’
Ah, I see myself now. Lying there feeling vulnerable for some kind of attack on me. He has left me in the Control Room? Ah, the systems and the cables, the wiring all the power inside a room. The handles are gone. I see him from across the hallway, he is standing there with his bloody nose just dripping on a NICE…clean…carpet.
‘He has taken me to the Control Room, the place where I lost him. I remember his face, it was so damaged.’
‘Okay, okay, we’re making progress. You can open your eyes now.’
I opened my eyes, there he is standing there by the windows. Those thick layered windows with so much fog outside, clouds just looming over me. The room doesn’t look right, so blurred and unimaginable yet possible.
‘Are you okay?’ He asks in a kind tone, willing to put up with my pathetic self.
I took a sip of the glass of water, drying to quench my thirst, drowning down sorrows and pain. It helps, it really does.
‘Aha, I’m fine. I couldn’t be better.’ ‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Now, that don’t mean much to me. I’ve heard the same ghost stories myself.’
‘No-uh, it’s just a dream I think.’ I whisper to the figure standing behind the window.
Unclear but near, I can just about see him, the Doc’ standing near me as if I’m crazy or something. He just keeps on staring at me. Will he go away? I don’t know. These questions are just riddled with answers, so many too.
‘If you are seeing someone, I’m sorry for holding up your time.’ His voice fades as I just continue to look on through the window. A slight wave towards me, a gesture how kind and innocent. The figure has no facial features, I don’t see anything that could even resemble me. It just stared through the glass walls, I can see it moving through the layers with ease.
‘I’m fine thank you. Just need a moment to sit down and relax really…’
‘Um… I didn’t ask you anything. Carry on if you must, I have time for you, others won’t really do anything for you.’
‘Medication? No, no, I’m not on a medication. Why do you ask?’
‘Are you sure you are okay?’ The same irritable voice moves through my mind.
‘if you have a problem, let me know, I’m always here for you. I assume you know.’
He just looks so lively, so happy to see me. Yet, I can’t see a face, maybe the moment just did it for me. Maybe, just maybe, I’m not without thee. Why so simple and why so vague? They always look at me like this. Always looking at me like this.
‘Medication is what I would put you on. I’d need your permission of course. I can’t just DRIVE them down your throat. It wouldn’t work out too well…’
‘I’ve given up on her, she was never really my type. I’m always feeling in the mood for someone else though.’
‘Madam, if you must talk to someone, I can give you time alone. Just ask, really, I’m here for you.’
Those four tiled ceiling patterns, they look so fade and almost gone. That wall over there, it don’t look too friendly. The thing watches me, I can see it now. It’s closer than before, but at least I can talk to it and it can hear me for once.
‘You are supposed to be dead. That was the point, why would I want it any other way?’
‘Madam, I don’t mean to be rude but you need to talk to me. Come on, you are awake right?’
The same snapping fingers in my face? Oh come on, how is that going to help anything…
Haven’t I told you yet? Haven’t I given you what you wanted? It was simple and vague for you, I wanted the plain side of things.
‘His face, his chuckle, his laughter towards that edge was so kind and forgiving. Tell me, Doc’ would you do the same?’
‘We haven’t gotten to the bottom of this. Little details, madam, you haven’t told me anything about his face, his chuckle? I presume it’s like his mother’s.’
‘Never mind that. He was special in some ways, I’d always give him a cuddle, even if he had muscular arms and felt the need to beat me seven times. I guess, he loved me but I just didn’t love him back enough.’
‘And who is this man you speak of?’ He tries to sooth me again.
‘Yesterday’s news, he’s out of my life for GOOD. I’d rather we talk about something else if you don’t mind.’
‘Your medication will arrive soon, I’m prescribing it for you, you need to be cared for and treated well.’
‘Oh, he-he, and you can do that for me?’ My eyes widen at the sight of that MAN looking at me with his annoying face.
‘I can only do what you ask of me. I’m a Doctor, not some friend’s shoulder to cry on. Again, I can help you.’
‘Ha, he-he, I don’t know Doc’ – I think you've kind of helped me enough. He never got the message, the one I wanted to speak about with you. I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?’
Her voice sounded different, again, I'm always trying out new earpieces.
November 12th 1932 Edit
I had a patient, why did my mother make me so kind to these people? I serve them, I keep them well and I keep them close. Again, it’s not enough for them and it’s not enough for me. The bits of information that I leave in my diary has always been the same old stories. Everything from Day One to Day Two. No more, I’ll be sure to write my research, my own thoughts time-to-time inside this beautifully handcrafted Journal. I have a girl to thank next week, bright and early as always…
November 21st 1932 Edit
Good Morning to the beautiful Dear who wrote me this and sent it my way. A beautiful message and here I am writing in this Journal, making sure that everything is sent on to my dear mother. She was everything to me and still is today. Maybe, I’m being too harsh to her sometimes, always helping others instead of helping her. There are times where I don’t really see her much. Father told me that he just sees the sweet innocent girl delivering cookies for morning walkers.
December 25th 1932 Edit
Good Morning, Christmas already? Sleepy one, sometimes I ask myself why I do it but I don’t see the results. He lies to me, he keeps it quiet and he tells me that I’m the one to go for? No, no, no, I’m not the one to go for at all. I’m the one who keeps this family together. No matter what, I’m here, and if she can’t accept that. Well, so be it, she can’t accept it. Two men walked in this morning, a child no doubt was to follow. Oh right, it’s Christmas we just need to be happy for once. Oh come on, spare me your bullshit. If anything, this man, this woman, patience is key. I guess I should be writing a note to his stone dead body. I don’t really know him, he reminds me of someone. Someone I once knew, problem with today? Well, it’s the same as every other year. One illness leads to another, and I’m here with him on Christmas Day.
Entitled on those that go by: Edit
I loved your sweet innocence to keep things right. Your heart was in a good place and still is today. If I could change anything about those days before, I’d change you. Writing this from what I’ve been told is my Death Bed. Well, times fly and I’m sure you’re flying away merrily. Tell you what, the difference between me and you is that… We can have fun but don’t mean it. You on the other hand, Always trying to make things right, make things all about YOU. Farewell, I’m sure we’ll meet again, I have a timer, an hourglass It keeps time for how long I have left to see you. These seats aren’t very uncomfortable, oh well, kiss, kiss
If I could change anything today, I’d change you.
My dear, dear, sweet boy.