CHAPTER 1: THE BEATDOWN
2 Years after the events of the Crotch-shot conflict, Lonli was still in the force fighting the good fight against drug dealers, pedophiles, muggers, clowns, all the scum in the city with the help of Tycop his faithful robotic companion.
"Man beating all these kids is exhausting" Tycop said as he was beating a pile of kids senseless.
"You are a robot, how can you get tired?" Lonli asked as he was kicking a redhead kid in the chest while he lied on the floor in pain.
They made sure the city stayed clear for 2 straight years, until one day...
"You are out of control Lonliness!" Screamed a Snorlax who was also police chief Irish O' Surname as he slammed his fat fist on his office desk.
"Maybe your diet is the one out of control" Said Lonli with his best Clint Eastwood impression.
"Look at this record, in 2 years, you have caused more than 50 car accidents, 2 hospitals blown to bits, a school in flames, 24 shoot outs in main streets, and a church full of radioactive badgers with rabies. What the hell is it that you do out there?!"
"It's those damn clowns, they are always causing up trouble" Lonli kept going with his Clint Eastwood impression.
"Don't play me Lonliness! You are a cop, not an action hero! You can't run around enforcing justice how you please, you have to play by the damn rules!"
"Maybe is your diet the one out of control"
"Dammit stop mocking my size!"
"What are you trying to say chief?"
"I am just saying that you either play by the rules, or you are OUT OF THE POLICE FORCE!"
"Holy shit are you fat..."
"YOU ARE OUT OF THE POLICE FORCE, AND WIPE THAT CLINT EASTWOOD FACE"
"Damn you chief! I will show proof that I was set up, I did not set that orphanage on fire!" then Lonliness stormed out of the office.
At Lonliness' place, Tycop was sitting on the floor in front of the TV watching an educative children's show.
*Nigga where my drugs at?!*
*T-J yo dope was stolen by 5 spicks*
*Aight...aight das it, I am busting a cap in their chico asses, now kids, how many bullets do i need to pop me some sombreros?*
"5 bullets!" said Tycop happily
*THE FUCK DO I KNOW, DO I LOOK LIKE I CAN COUNT?*
*BANG BANG BANG*
Just then Lonli walked in, he noticed the show and said:
"I already watched that episode, in the end T-J is shanked by some angry Mexican coke head"
"Aw man, that's another episode you spoil for me..." he turned to Lonliness and wondered why he looked so grim and less psychotically angry:
"Are you alright?"
Lonli sat on the couch, grabbed a bottle of jack and drank it all down in one sip, passing out in the process. Tycop called the paramedics, he was soon taken to the hospital, hours later he woke up in an hospital bed with Tycop on his side:
"Man, glad you are awake, the doctors said you were very close to chocking on your own puke..."
"That's it Tyrin, Tycop, Pancho Rodriguez, whatever your fucking name is, after I was kicked from the force..."
"You were kicked from the force?!"
"I began to rely heavily on drinking to wash away my guilt of all those dead orphans"
"Wait, what dead orphans?"
"I've been trying to wash them away for 3 years, but..."
"You have only been here for 4 hours"
"BUT IM TAKING A STANCE! I WILL FIND THE ONE WHO SET ME UP!"
"Lonliness! I have never seen you with this much fire in you before! Lonliness I love yo-"
Lonli puked on Tycop's face...
END OF CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2: BRO, WHERE IS MY HYBRID?
Loneliness accompanied by Tycop met up with a shady looking Snivy with a thick russian accent in underground car park:
"Aaah mister Wipeout, haven't seen you in while"
"Hey, let's drop the formalities, we know each other for 3 years now, how is it going Vladimir?"
"Very well, I have information as always, and of course some nice hardware..."
"I need information on the rat that set me up..."
"Could you be more specific? anyone in this city could have done it, you have many enemies mister Wipeout, The Gay Dragons, The Shaft Twisters, Faggot Fuckers, Anal Takers, Cocksuckers, The gay homos."
"How come so many gay gangs are after me?"
"You ask me, I say is because you burned down many of their gay bars..."
"You are telling me those were not hang outs for crack heads?...Anyways thanks for the help Vlad..."
"Before you go, could you at least tell me name, since you know mine?"
"That is pretty stoopid name"
"I know, but it's better than my old name...Travis T. Wipeout"
"No...TRAVIS .T Wipeout, you see now?"
"Oh I see yes, very well stoopid name man"
As both Lonli and Tycop walked out of the underground car park, Tycop asked:
"We have no leads on this guy who set you up, what do we do now?"
Suddenly killer skeletons fell from the nearby buildings, as the sky turned red and a figure was standing on top of a building opposite the underground, the figure laughed evilly and then screamed:
"I PHIL, WAS THE ONE WHO FRAMED YOU!" the figure took off the robes they had on, revealing a male Gallade with the name Phil written on his forehead with black marker, he had an insane look on his face.
"I DID IT! I DID IT ALL! I FRAMED YOU, IT WAS MY PLAN, AND YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP AND NOW YOU WILL SUFFER! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!"
He then disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
The skeletons began to close in on Lonli and Tycop, the latter picked Lonli up and used him as a blunt weapon, swinging him left and right, trying to keep the skeletons back, one of the skeletons was hit and snapped into pieces, Tycop made another swing in which Lonli managed to grab a bone from the pile of bones that previously one of the murderous skeletons.
"Launch me!" Screamed Lonli to Tycop who then launched Lonli into the air, he then landed on top of one of the skeletons, he beat it's skull open with the bone he had picked up, a skeleton tried to sneak up on him, but Lonli then farted in his general direction, blowing it up to pieces, the last remaining skeleton ran away scared, just then a huge army of skeletons crawled and dug their way out of the sewers below onto the street, forcing Lonli and Tycop to retreat to their home.
END OF CHAPER 2
CHAPTER 3: Christmas comes early
Back at their home, the streets were already swarming with skeletons eating the people of Pokeville? Pokecity? let's assume it's your grandmother's closet, and that that big tower in the middle of the city yeah? Well that's her dildo, also you are adopted, fuck you.
Lonli was looking at the streets below from his window, while Tycop watched TV:
*WE GO BACK TO: THE HISTORY OF SCAT PORN*
*It all started when my wife defecated on my face by accident during lunch, that's when I realized I was into getting defecated on*
*H...how can someone defecate on your face by accident, let alone during lunch?*
"Turn that shit off Roberto Ditto...we need to find this Philistine guy"
"Um...my name is Tycop and that guy's name was Phil"
"Whatever you say Davey Do Willicker, now it's time to gear up" Lonli went into his room, grunts and groans could be heard from outside followed by various curses, some in hard to understand languages, usually followed then by 2 hours of crying and weeping.
After several hours, he came back out in his classic gimp outfit but instead of a pink bow on his head, he had a cowboy hat:
"What's up with the hat?"
"That hat on your silly little head"
"Are you implying I'm retarded?"
"Sometimes I wonder if you truly ar-..." Suddenly the noise of what sounded like a tank could be heard getting closer to their home.
They checked to see what it was, It was Vladimir, he was driving an old soviet tank down the street driving through the crowd of skeletons:
"HEY WATCH IT BUDDY!"
"HEY, RUSSIA IS THAT WAY YOU SLAVIC FUCK!"
The tank stopped next to Lonli's place, Vladimir smiled at them before taking a swig from his Jack Daniel's...hah gotcha! You thought it was going be another vodka drinking Russian stereotype eh?
"Hop in comrades! we going to find the bad guys!"
"Good enough for me..." Lonli hopped form his window onto the tank, Tycop followed.
"Hey that's nice hat" Vladimir said when he noticed Lonli's cowboy hat
"What hat?" Lonli wondered
"Hey, I thought Russians drink vodka..." Tycop asked when he noticed the Jack Daniel's
"Wait...this is no vodka..." he tossed the bottle away "Well nevermind, I am drunk already."
Tycop leaned closer to Lonli's ear and whispered "Do you think we can trust this drunk man to drive this tank?"
"Of course, he is Russian after all" responded Lonli
Vladimir began to choke on his own puke...
Then the tank exploded.
The explosion launched all the 3 passengers into space, but before the lack of air in space killed them or the nearby aliens after numerous anal probes in all the wrong holes, Tycop managed to pick both Vladimir and Lonli and also managed to fly back to earth thanks to his jetpack.
After several hours of flying Tycop managed to land safely in some part of the world, the place did not seem familiar, in fact they were in the middle of the desert.
"OH THIS IS FUCKING GREAT! GREAT FUCKING JOB SANCHO!"
"My name is Tycop"
"Whatever! not only you landed us in the wrong part of the world but also I lost my hat!"
"Your hat? Comrade, It's still on your head..." Vladimir added
"What hat?" Lonli asked once again
"YOUR HAT! THE ONE ON YOUR FUCKING HEAD! ALL THIS TIME WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU ABOUT IT, YOU ACT LIKE IT'S NOT THERE! CAN YOU PLEASE DROP THE ACT, AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE EXISTENCE OF THE FUCKING HAT?"
Lonli remained silent for several seconds before pulling another Clint Eastwood impersonation:
"You are one sad little man"
Tycop died inside that day, but before Tycop could crawl up into a ball and cry for god to destroy his pitiful existence, he was interrupted by Vladimir:
"Hey before you 2 start sucking each other's dicks like the script says, we should check that town in the horizon..." Vlad pointed at a small western like town far away.
"Fuck it, let's go" said Lonli and so the 3 heroes marched towards the town. Once there they were greeted by a figure in a cowboy hat, and a shiny star on their chest that signified they were the town's sheriff. The figure is spoke in a familiar voice, and when I say spoke, screamed like a fucking maniac or an office worker stuck in traffic during rush hour:
"THIS TOWN IS NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US..."
"Who the hell are you?!" Lonli asked
The figure took the cowboy hat off, it was Phil, he had the same insane look on his face, his eyes were wide open and they looked as if they were about to pop out of their sockets:
"I AM PHIL, AND YOU ARE A FUCKHEAD, YOU FUCKING FUCKSTER, I WILL FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCK"
"FUCK ME IN MY FUCK THEN! I AIN'T AFRAID OF YOU, MAGIC JOHNSON!" Lonli snapped
"MY NAME IS PHIL!"
"THAT'S A FAGGOT NAME!" Lonli took off his cowboy hat revealing a machinegun strapped to his head, the gun began to fire at Phil, but he then pulled his revolver and shoot down every incoming bullet with dead on accuracy, when the machinegun finally ran out of ammo Phil tried to shoot back, but he had run out of ammo as well, in a desperate attempt he threw the gun at Lonli's face, hitting him in the nose, Lonli fell on his knees with his paws on his nose, flinching in pain.
Tycop, Vlad and Phil gathered around Lonli to check if he was okay
"You okay man?" Phil asked with concern
"Yeah...yeah, i'm bleeding a bit though..."
"What the hell was that, man?" Tycop asked Phil
"I know I know, I'm sorry okay? Anyways...it's all good, we keep rolling...we keep rolling or what?" Phil looked around concerned
Lonli then passed out alarming everyone:
"HEY HE PASSED OUT!" Vlad yelled
"WE NEED SOME PARAMEDICS HERE! MY FRIEND IS DYING GOD DAMMI-"
*We go back to our regular program*
We meet back with our heroes running through the desert while being chased by an old steam train driven by Phil:
"HAHAHAHA CHOO-CHOO! ALL ABOARD THE FUCK YOU TRAIN!!!" Phil cackled like a maniac
"We *pant* can't keep running *pant* like this..." Vlad was trying to keep up but he was running out of breath fast.
"We need *pant* need to think of something" Lonli added, just then Tycop thought of something, he grabbed Vlad and tossed him at the train blowing it up.
"Wow...I'm impressed Dav-"
"Yeah Tycop, how did you know that would stop the train?"
"Russians are highly explosive"
"That is deliciously racist" Lonli laughed, Tycop laughed as well, Phil laughed from within the wreckage.
"You think you have won? ONCE I GET OUT OF HERE I WILL FUCK YOUR FACES! BOTH OF YOU"
Tycop got a stiffy from that particular comment, and when Tycop gets a stiffy a huge pole with an extremely sharp end extends from his face, that was the main reason why he is not allowed to hang around kindergartens, children always give him stiffies, and then bloodbaths ensue.
Anyways, that one stiffy pierced through the wreckage where Phil was lying, but no scream was heard, Lonli investigated by removing all the wreck that was covering where Phil was, but instead of a dead sociopath, he found a deep hole, the bottom was not visible.
"Looks like we are going in...c...could you stop poking me with your boner?"
END OF CHAPER...I lost count
BEGINING OF CHAPER 4(?): Baby fuck blues
Lonli then jumped down the hole, followed by Tycop, Lonli soon realized it was a bad idea, for he landed on hard rock when he reached the bottom, breaking his legs, ribs, fracturing his skull, and other injuries, meanwhile Tycop landed at the bottom safely with his jetpack.
"Lonli what happened?"
"Adrian...I did it..."
"You are delirious, don't worry, I will take care of you"
And so Tycop helped Lonli go through 12 years of rehabilitation full of heartwarming moments that bonded them together like this one time Lonli crapped his pants but could not wipe himself, and since Tycop had ran out of toilet paper had to use a shovel to clear all the shit in his asscrack-...
"HEY NARRATOR, HOW ABOUT YOU FOCUS ON THE STORY AND STOP MAKING SHIT UP?!" Phil snapped
Right, so the hole had actually led them to hell itself, where Phil was waiting for them near a huge lake of fire.
"Give it up Phil, there's nowhere to go!"
"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL! I FUCKING HATE YOUR GUTS! YOU FUCKHEAD!" Phil's entire head began to melt, showing his skull, then his body began to grow on size while the rest of his skin soon melted.
Phil then jumped into the pool of fire and he rised from the bottom as a GIANT HELL SKELETON. He swung his giant skeleton arms trying to squash both heroes, but they managed to roll out of the way, he tried once again, but this time Tycop managed to get a hold of both hands, keeping them from squashing them both, but it was just a matter of time before he had to let go, Phil was way stronger, and Tycop could hold for so long.
Lonli then remembered the words of his wise old master:
"Bring me the one that's got the naked boys in them."
and then some more words
"Remember to use the ancient technique I showed you in case of overwhelming odds..."
Lonli then began to chant, a blue glow surrounded him, and once the chant was over, 2 huge machineguns appeared in each hand:
"2 guns shoot better than one"
Lonli shot the skeleton into pieces, that caused hell to start trembling, causing parts of the rock and brimstone to collapse, before any could fall on them, he used the machineguns to propel himself through the hole and back on the surface, while Tycop used his jetpack.
Back at the police station, chief Irish O' Surname congratulated Lonli for his work saving earth from apocalypse or something.
"You did it again Wipeout, how about you come back to the force?"
"You'd have to give my badge back..."
"Actually, you never gave it, you stormed out last time, remember?"
"Then give me another one..."
The chief gave another badge to Lonli and shook his hand
"Glad to have you back on the force Wipeout"
"Maybe you should also bring your diet back..."
"You are fat"