Every year, the [Redacted] Elementary School has a large school-wide water balloon fight. It takes the form of a Red/Blue capture-the-flag, one hit kills, infinite lives. Each teams “Respawn Point” (as the children dubbed it) contains the flag. The game is won when one team takes the other’s flag and brings it back into their own flag zone, a square, with bins of water balloons in the corners for resupply. This takes a lot of setup, and this is where our variables fall apart.

The subject, [Expunged], was the only unaccounted variable. For four years, he helped with the setup. But this year, he will have graduated to middle school, as a tradition, the promoting students don’t participate in setup or the game itself, so, come time to sign up, he didn’t. His friends were composed of mostly fourth graders, and they must have convinced him afterward, we couldn't have caught this.

On setup day, we laced the water in the balloons with our experimental military-grade hallucinogen. We had been feeding the students neutralizers to help lighten the blow, we needed to see if multiple subjections would lead to stronger or weaker effect with each subjection. The subject brought their own lunch, so we couldn’t feed him the neutralizers.

Surprisingly, two weeks before the end of school, the subject arrived at the school, swimsuit and towel primed. The agent operating the office didn’t see him enter. Said agent, [Expunged] was promptly punished. The subject joined blue, and donned the blue vest that accompanied the choice, and the game ensued.

                We couldn’t track the subject during most of the game, we had just found out he was let into it, so we had to wait. His team lost, but just before the game ended, the subject took what seemed to be their first hit, to the face. He fell backwards onto his back, and two agents went to see if he was okay. After the game, the hallucinogen seemed to hit the students. All but one student showed intense fear and terror, the subject was the one. We figured it didn’t work on him, however, he didn’t seem to notice the chaos after the game.

                Class took place after the game. The subject stayed to himself and didn’t answer any of the teacher’s questions. He was soon sent down to the Guidance Councilor’s office. Agent [Expunged] interviewed him. The encounter was recorded, and transcribed below. All copies of the tape have been disposed of.


> Hello [Expunged], how are you today?

-  Fine.

> You don’t sound fine…

> Would you like to talk about it?

- No.

> Why not?

- You’ll think I’m crazy.

> Try me

- Well, I went to the game without signing up, I don’t think I should’ve.

> Why?

-  They didn’t like it.

> Who’s ‘they’?

- The clowns.

The councilor shifts in her chair

> Clowns?

- They are all over the school, they keep staring at me.

> Where are they?

-  There’s one outside of the door right now.

An agent was standing outside when the subject entered

> Did any of them say anything to you?

-  No, but they kept whispering to each other.

> What did they say?

-  I don’t know, but they kept staring.

> Is this why you were quiet during class?

-  Yes.

> You may go now.


The subject went home on the bus.

        The next day, he arrived at school disheveled and weary. His teacher sent him to the councilor immediately. The encounter was recorded and transcribed below. All copies of the tape have been disposed of.


> [Expunged]! What a pleasant surprise

-  Yeah, great.

The subject stared off into space

> Well, what seems to be the matter?

- I didn’t sleep last night.

> Why not?

- I couldn’t sleep on the train.

> Umm… Train?

-  The train back.

He seems a little offended that she was confused.

-  The train back.

> Oh! Right! Why couldn’t you sleep on the train?

-  The clowns got on to go home too.

> Were there any normal people?

-   Yeah, but most of them were clowns.

> Did they say anything to you?

-  No, but they stared at me. They whispered to each other a little too.

> [Expunged], how many times have you been to my office?

-  This is the first time, why?

> No reason, you may go.


The subject went to class. He didn’t participate whatsoever. He went home on the bus.

On the next day, the subject arrived late. He was even more disheveled, and he could barely keep his eyes open. An agent intercepted him and sent him to the councilor’s office. The encounter was recorded and transcribed below. All copies of the tape have been disposed of.


> [Expunged], are you alright?

He stared at her for a second.

-  I’m gonna be late.

The words came out very slurred.

> Late? For what?

-  For the train.

> [Expunged], you need sleep.

She glanced the camera

-  I’ll sleep on the train.

He got up and rushed from the room.


We needed to make sure he didn’t hurt someone, so we had him followed. The agent tasked with following him journeyed all the way to a nearby subway station. His sunglass cam recorded the encounter, and the event is transcribed below, all copies have been disposed of.


The subject walked out onto the platform, followed by the agent.

The subject stepped onto the train.

The train arrived.


The next day, the obituaries included a 5th grade boy. He fell off of the subway platform, while was playing close to the edge.

Problem solved.

~Dr. Light


Author: skinny720

Submission for Urkelbot666's Halloween party. Dressed as the hip-thrusting ninja.

I was the Ninja that humped you.

Could've used: Tasty: Insects/Spiders, Snake(s), Monsters, and  Sleep deprivation Meh: Drugs/Alcohol, Trains/Subways, and Youtube Gross: Water Balloons! and Flying Cats!

Used: Drugs, Trains, Sleep Depravation, Water Balloons


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