"The only man to ever amount to anything without chest hair was Johnny Appleseed."
"Bill Clinton had a miraculous mane of tit pubes and all it got him was a BJ."
"You wanna know what grinds my gears? People who lick their fingers when they turn a book. That book is not finger licking good. It is not a bowl of boneless buffalo wings, it is a 40 year old edition of James and the Giant Peach."
"Colin Hanks. You would be famous too if your dad was named Tom Hanks."
"If assholes could fly, this would be an airport."
"Girls who show off their new necklace in slutty clothing. Come on. Wear a turtle neck and put the necklace on there."
"Girls at the gym either tan, tweet or talk to there friends. Tanning is not a workout, it is fashion. Tweeting, "Do pushups for my man!". Seriously, come on. If you were doing pushups, you wouldn't be tweeting right now. Talking to your friends is not a workout. When I am doing the stair master and your beautiful ass is right there talking to someone, I fall off the stair master."
"Girls wearing yoga pants at gyms. You are not doing any yoga or planning on doing any. Yoga classes are on Tuesdays and Saturdays, it is Friday. You are out of character, but damnit you're fine."
"How much do you love me? Well look in the sky and count the stars and that's is how much I love you. It is morning though. Exactly."