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NARRATOR VO: Are you tired of hurting youself?

CUT TO: Shot of old man falling.

CUT TO: Shot of old woman tripping over a broom.

NARRATOR: Well, now you can fix all this and more, using our simple cure-all!

CUT TO: Numerous faces of men, women, children.

CROWD: WHAT?

NARRATOR: Saltines! Yes, you heard me right, Saltines!

CUT TO: Young boy scratching his head.

YOUNG BOY: Saltines?

NARRATOR: Yes, Saltines! Recommended by school nurses everywhere as a cure-all, they can help with these symptoms!

NARRATOR: Runny nose?

CUT TO: Shot of man putting Saltines under his nose.

NARRATOR: Use Saltines!

CUT TO: Shot of same man giving thumbs-up.

NARRATOR: Got a broken leg?

CUT TO: Shot of woman falling awkwardly, and then placing Saltines on her joints.

NARRATOR: Just use Saltines!

CUT TO: Woman smiling.

NARRATOR: Are you possessed? Well, Saltines can even help with that!

CUT TO: Possessed lady eating a Saltine, screaming, and then reverting back to normal. She smiles and says:

WOMAN: Thanks, Saltines!

NARRATOR: Are you terminally ill? Well, uh, sorry, Saltines can't help with that... but call now to receive this simple medicine! Don't believe us? Listen to our users.

SOME RANDOM OLD SCHOOL NURSE: Yeah, I use Saltines all the time. Kids come in with headaches or a broken arm or needing gangrene out of their wounds, and I just give them Saltines and they're good to go.

NARRATOR: Call our toll-free line to receive your Saltines today!

FAST VOICE: Saltines are no responsible for any injuries that may occur. Saltines contain salt. Saltines cannot help with terminal illnesses, but they still taste okay.

NARRATOR: Call 1-800-555-5555 for your own package of Saltines for only $99999.99 plus $5.99 S+H! Offer contains two packets of Saltines.

CUT TO: Shot of happy people frolicking in a field.

NARRATOR: Saltines: Improve your life today!

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