There are days when the mind feels numb, when everything seems like a gray veil has been cast over my vision and everything negative, real or imagined, is magnified. Little irritances that would otherwise seem petty thoughts linger on in my mind's eye as if these were cancers eating away at me bit by bit. I go to the store and see faces of everyday people but only see animate meat that carries on daily functions for reasons unknown to me.
Sometimes I look outside at night and wonder what exactly the point of anything is. In a sense, we are all destined to die. That's a fact, plain and simple and completely inarguable. But the sensation of feeling insigificant is what weighs so heavily on my mind.
Sometimes I pray to the gods, asking not for a better life or anyting, but simply an understanding of why my life is where it is at and what will come of it. I know my gods have helped me in the past in their own way and time, and know that they exist not for me alone and have affairs beyond my comprehension that takes presidence. Yet as I search for the North Star and long for the colder climes of the home I left behind, I feel empty inside.
My relationship with my girlfriend is good, there is nothing I can say that is bad about it save for the distance between us and how rare we spend time. Days like today I only wish to be near her, to feel her in my arms and be told that everything will be fine. She always tells me to keep positive and it will all be fine, but sometimes I just feel lost, devoid, hallow...
Have I come to a point where everything has no signifigance anymore? Have I lost sight of something that I had, blinded to what's in front of me, or simply incapable of figuring anything out? My heart aches for better things, for a life I know I may never have and feel is beyond my reach. I am haunted by memories of the past of my mistakes and the consequences they brought, the unseen scars left behind which make my blood boil.
Anger gives way towards depression as slowly I feel consumed by this dread and lack of caring for what happens anymore. How can I allow thoughts of taking life and laying waste to others be as casual and common place as thoughts of what to cook for dinner? Has apathy taken over me at last? Have I truly become that hallow hermit who scorns the world and wishes to retreat where it cannot encroach onto me?
Perhaps these words will help. Perhaps not. Tears fill and receed from my eyes like the tide, and sometimes I pause for long periods just staring at the negative space of the screen, wondering what I am doing and whether it is worth any efford in the end. Forgive me for sounding melodramatic and suicidal (I'm not by the way) but any means I can work something out is needed.