Yet again I come here to vent, to write out the problems thoughts I dread to say aloud for fear of having to further confront my bullshit.
I feel as if life has been throwing up signs in my face to indicate something, that at every opportunity to find work or get my life back in order something intervines and leaves me where I am: miserable. To say I am discouraged is an understatement, and that as I write this I feel as if I have come to yet another dead end in a life of dead ends.
I feel so lost, so trapt, so helpless and unwanted in this world, and although I know in my mind that these aren't wholly true, my heart has grown so jadded, so weary of trying, of having hopes and expectations that constantly are dashed and rendered void. It's been a year, no more now, I suppose. One year since I left behind the life that I had ruined because I extended my hospitality to a person my judgement was blinded to see for who she was.
Never does a day go by that I still don't feel all this hatred, self loathing and pure spite towards that deplorable and diabolic cunt, a kind of pain that makes my body tense, blood boil, and mind race with thoughts that would make even the hardiest horror fan squirm. My jaws still ache from how tight I kept them, my teeth sore from the grinding, and the sense of utter paranoia which every day I feel as if that bitch would haunt me like some kind of vindictive demon. Perhaps I could better accept her being a kind of horror not of this earth than her being part of this species...
I am back where I was 3 years ago. No work, no sense of a future, feeling as if life is trying to tell me something along the lines of "just stop" or "give it up" and "it's no use, just end it." I'm 23 gods damned years old and I feel as if I'm having a fucking midlife crisis where nothing in life has meaning or satisfaction. I don't feel alive! I don't feel like there is anywhere I belong and can be happy.
My girlfriend, gods I need her now, is the only bright light in this darkness, and if it wasn't for her I feel as if I would have just left in the dark of night and find a rattlesnake to end this. But to face death again, to look down into the void...I can't bear it. I've long since forgone the sense of guilt from how selfish the act is, because the reality of dying is far my painful than those we leave behind.
What's my point in this world? Am I supposed to be part of something or simply be another fucking face in the crowd? Do I have a destiny besides one day dying? Don't I deserve the chance to have a happy life, or did I at some point unknowingly forsake it for something else? When does the hallow sense of self worth become a sense of true pride and integrity?
I feel so tired, so strained with how this world is anymore. I just want to live, to have something that is mine again and feel as if I am on this world for something other than because my parents happened to fuck without contraceptives. These pathetic feeling of weakness and emptiness is eating at me more and more. I want to be happy again. I want to hold my girlfriend every day, to have a job that makes me happy regardless of money, to pursue that dreams without fear of fail...
I want to feel alive again.